A Day In The Life

My husband called me at 10:30 this morning and left me the following message:  “Hey hon.  Let’s watch the season opener for Breaking Bad tonight!  I have it recorded.  You might want to re-watch the final episode from last season so you’re up to speed.  Well, I actually have the last 5 episodes on my computer at home, so watch them all if you want to.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Sob, sob, sob, sniff, and……crazy eyes

Here’s what I was thinking throughout the above quick succession of reactions:  #1  That’s hilarious!  I can just see the kids letting me watch a TV show. No, no, FIVE TV shows in a row! Haha!  #2  Will I ever be able to just sit and watch an inappropriate, adult TV show for no good reason again?  Is that part of my life just over? No!!!! #3  Dear God!  He’s serious!  He has NO idea what I do all day. Are you kidding me???

A day (today anyway) in the life of Heather:

4:00 Wake to sound of Big Boy bumping his head on the wall in his sleep.  Then, “Mama!  Mommy!”  Climb into tiny toddler bed and sleep with him. 

4:34  Return to my own bed. 

6:01  Wake to sounds of Little Guy screaming, “Mama!  Mama!  Cracker!!”  Grab peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of the fridge, take it and baby to couch, and pray.  “Please God, just let him either fall asleep mid-sandwich or eat quickly and pass out in a food coma. I just need one more hour.  I promise I will NEVER swear again if you just do me this one, simple favor.”

6:20 Make pancakes for the baby who quickly ate sandwich but then demanded more. “More cracker!  More!  More!  More cracker!” Shit.

6:35 “Mama!  I have to go poop!”  Turn on bathroom light, put potty seat on toilet, turn around as quickly as possible but not quickly enough. “I want you to leave me alone!”

6:35 “I’m all done pooping.  Wipe my bottom!”

6:36  Make more pancakes because Big Boy says, “But I want NEW ones!”

7:00  Coffee.  Sweet nectar of the gods.  The kids are using me as a jungle gym, but I am skilled at this procedure.  I will not spill one magnificent drop.

7:07 Prepare lovely and nutritious dinner for family, and turn on crock pot.

7:38 Attempt to fix toddler John Deer riding toy.  Fail.  Apologize profusely. Swear again (but REALLY try to do it quietly.  Really.)

8:02 Barefoot and still in my underpants, chase toddler down the long, gravel driveway after realizing he has escaped from the backyard and is halfway to the street chasing Daddy’s car. 

8:07 Pee.  I finally got to pee!  There is a God.  Thank you.

8:08  Get super excited about going to Zumba at 9:05

8:15 Tell everyone it’s time to come inside and get dressed

8:16 Tell them again

8:17 One more time

8:18 Give up, go to their rooms retrieve outfits, bring them outside to change everyone.  Find unexpected poop.  Cry a little.  Carry baby inside and start over.  Clean poop off of patio.  Few more tears

8:39 Get myself dressed and kiss goodbye my dreams of yesteryear.  No way we’re making it to Zumba. 

9:02  Carry bicycle and toy car up the driveway to the street.  Return to garage for baby.  Carry baby to street.  Watch toddler try to ride bike.  Realize bike needs training wheels adjusted.  Think, “Holy Hell; I have to go all the way back into the house to get a wrench, and I can’t leave the children in the street while I do it.”  Carry both children “I want you carry me toooo!!” to the house.  Find wrench in 17^th place I look. 

9:41  Throw both children in car.  Run over fire hat.  “Hat!!! Hat!!!”  Promise to buy new fire hat.  Stop to get sumbrero out of garage in hopes it will suffice (although straw is highly flammable so it’s actually sick and wrong). Throw bike and toy car into back of SUV.  Drive to park.

10:05 Play at park for eight minutes.  “I want to go to da gym!” 

10:18  Attempt to leave children in childcare at the gym.  “I no like the gym!  Noooo!!”

11:02  Give up and go home.

11:23  Turn on Curious George and attempt to clean oven from melted toy disaster of previous week

11:52  Turn on oven

11:53 Turn off oven due to horrendous odor and near certainty we are all about so either asphyxiate or explode.  Make new lunch plan.

12:18 Lunch of roasted almonds and cashews and Thai coconut/sweet potato soup.  Remove all chunks for toddler.  Feed chunks to baby.  Eat the nuts that get thrown at me after baby is full.  (My first meal of the day).

12:52 More Curious George.  Send 6 emails for my business.

1:06  Get pooped on. Clean everything and everyone associated with the poop.

1:20 Feel guilty about all of the Curious George.  Get determined to make new plan.

1:22  Find new plan.  Paint!  It’s too hot outside, so they can paint inside while I clean the kitchen.  

1:31 Great idea.  So cute!

1:33  Oh no

1:35  Bath time!

1:53  Give up for a few minutes.  Just give up.  End up covered in animal stickers.  Baby points to every one and says, “Roar!!! Doggy!”  Giggle.  Make baby dance just so I can giggle more. 

2:22 More Curious George.  Go ahead, judge me.  I’m too sleep deprived to notice.  Have your fun.

3:00 Clean the kitchen, finish making dinner, pack hubby’s lunch for the next day, pack dinner for tonight, feel no guilt when the baby falls over on the couch and passes out during “the monkey show.”  You gonna move him?  I’m sure as heck not.

3:51  Change out of pointless work-out clothes into whatever it is I’m wearing these days.  Pack dinner into the car.  Think about how I really wish I had done something today.  Laundry?  Music? Organized the still-in-boxes-after-4-years family room?

4:03 Pluck baby off of couch and chuck him into car.  Begin the hour and fifteen minute drive to church.

5:18  Arrive at church with two sleeping children.   Find hubby.  Wake kids, find an empty room, attempt to convince grumpy just-awoken babies to eat, shove food in face, run to meeting.

6:00 Arrive to meeting.

7:30 Leave meeting.  Get kids in car.  Gratfully (almost weeping) accept hubby’s offer to drive the kids home while I drive his car ALL BY MYSELF. 

8:30  Stop at the store for a fabulous box of Syrah.

8:47  Home

9:02 Breaking Bad!

Pause show repeatedly to ask husband things like, “Well, what was his deal with that woman?  Didn’t they make some international deal?  How is he out now?  Is he really out?”  “Where’s Mike?  Did he kill Mike? Does Jessie know that?”  “Who’s the missing kid? Why does he want to give him money?

And hubby asks, “Why didn’t you re-watch the last season today?”

Silly me.  I was too buys watching my soaps and eating bon bons.