Being the perfect parent

I learned how to be the perfect parent by observing all of the parents that came before me and noting all of the profound errors they made.

I remember my brother’s oldest girl pulling him around the house by his hand when she was 18 months old.  She wanted to go here.  Then she wanted to go there, and he absolutely had to be no more than three-quarters of an inch from him during her entire afternoon-long adventure.  I was baffled he was willing to be so controlled.  When I was a parent, I would just say, “Sweetie, run along to your bedroom and play with your hand-made organic wooden toys. Mommy is going to be in the living room reading.  If you have any emergencies, just come and let me know.  Otherwise, dinner will be ready at 6:00 (unless I’m on a particularly enlightening chapter, in which case it may be as late as 9:30.  Just be flexible). Big kiss!”  So that’s exactly how we do things around here now that I have two of my own.  Here’s a picture of me the other day after just such a relaxing afternoon.

I asked my friend Carolyn to go for a hike around the lake once when her daughter was a baby and I was still footloose and fancy-free.  She told me she couldn’t make it because it was during Sky’s naptime.  What???  That was the dumbest thing I had ever heard.  So, change her naptime today. Skip naptime today.  Make her nap in the stroller.  Who’s the captain of this ship anyway?

See?  No nap today.  No problem!

Oh, and have you ever seen the documentary, “Super Size Me?”  I was not a fast food eater to begin with, but after I saw that, I realized that eating even one bite of a quarter pounder would cause not only obestity, but also Types V, VI, and VII Diabetes, ear drum and toenail cancer, and most likely AIDS.  Any time I saw a mother holding a bag adorned with the golden arches, I just wanted to yell at her, “Murderer!” dump my organic wheat-grass/spirulina smoothie on her head, and call Child Protective Services.  My children would only eat organic, unprocessed, macrobiotic foods.

Last night's dinner.  Tada!  Nailed it!

And another thing:  Who were these slobs?  When I was an elementary school teacher, I used to open the car doors and greet the kids as they arrived at school.  In my oh-so-superior speaking-to-myself voice, I would silently say, “That’s disgusting.  I can’t believe anyone would let their car look like that. Where is your self-respect?”  All of those crackers, shoes, Kleenex, Leggos, and Barbies were just such a disgrace.   Rather than accompanying the toddlers into the house when we got home, I would just let them run along by themselves while I stayed outside to pick up all of the toys, vacuum the dried kale crumbs out of the backseat, and Armor All the leather. 

See?  Perfect!

My only regret is that I didn’t help those parents at the time, by letting them know what they were doing wrong.  So if you don’t have children of your own, make sure to critique the parents around you and let them know how they can improve.  They want to be perfect like me.  They just aren’t quite sure how.